Leave Me in Agony

leave me in agony. Really. Let me hurt. Let me feel what I am supposed to feel. Because tragedies happen and sometimes it is really ugly. And trying to make it beautiful, trying to make it worth something, trying to give it a purpose — sometimes it is just making it worse. My pain is real so let it be real. Let me tell the truth. Nothing brings me comfort and peace in his death. I miss my best friend, he is missing from me, I can feel him and I can see him but I cannot hug him and I cannot hear him and there is no silver lining to that. But I am surviving, one day at the time without the one I called when things were as bad as they could be. And it scares me to death knowing if one day I get back to the point I once was that he will not be there to save me. I know I have to save myself and I always did, but it was a whole lot easier when he was there to pick me up when I was down and that is all.
So no I am not ok, but THAT is ok. It is ok that I am not ok, but it is not that I pretend I am so I suppose I can be loved and appreciated too. He seen me for me and he welcomed me with an open heart for all that I was and was not. He is gone and I miss him and it is ok that I miss him and that I am upset he is gone. It is my little least normal. My best friend is dead, he is in heaven and yes I have to repeat it to myself.

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My Friend Died