My Friend Died

You can’t fix my pain
There’s nothing to fix
My friend is dead
He decided to die
How could one “fix” that
There is nothing beautiful that can be made out of this
There is no coming, nor rising over the way that he passed
If you want to be a hand
Just show up
And be awkward
Be clueless about what you can do
Just be
And don’t leave me
Be there while I’m simmering in everything that hurts and tears me apart
Be there while I ravage in the hands of grief
In the blowouts of this never ending windstorm or tornado or hurricane
And don’t tell me that I was lucky for the time spent with him
Don’t tell me that this was his partake in my life cause it wasn’t
Nothing you will say will make me feel better
Nothing you will do will make him come back to me
Nothing will and can make this ok. It is not ok. Not yet. Not for now. And maybe not ever.
He’s still missing from me, from his family, from his other friends and every single thing here reminds me of him.
So let me be. In pain. Because it hurts. My best friend is gone, he left here without me and it’s still too hard to say goodbye.
So let me sit in discomfort, let me swirl around it, because really all I feel like doing is screaming and reaching to heaven to bring him back or to go myself and I know that neither of those won’t and can’t change anything either.