The Second I Swallowed these Pills
The second I swallowed these pills, it was an intense “that’s it”, that’s how it’s ending, I just took them like a shot, there was no going back, after all those years of fighting inner battles. I did call suicide hotline, I eventually hung up, they called back, I assured them I was okay. I tried to hide them because I was ashamed, but I didn’t have the time. The last thing I remember is trying to throw the bottle behind my pillows as I was losing consciousness, and then falling onto the ground. My mom found me, my sister shook me, but I wasn’t there for that, neither for the ride in the ambulance. The next thing I remember are the doctors and nurses kept pinching me and trying to make me move my toes and fingers. I also remember hearing my dad’s voice and telling him I have to pee, him telling me it’s okay I can pee, because I had a catheter, and then going back out. The day after, or the next one, my best friends walked into the room. I remember being so weak, confused, shaken up.
I had been saved.
Guilt, shame, dissociation.
Because even though I didn’t die on April 28 2017, I caused people a great amount of grief and pain. Pain that is still there to this day. The early morning of my attempt still sits within them today. Almost every time I tell my mom that I love her, she asks if I’m okay. I can’t be sad, I can’t cry, they get scared I’m gonna hurt myself. When I sent this picture of my shoot to my mom and she liked it but it hurt her. She was saying how it was pinching her heart to look at it. I immediately knew that it was bringing her back to when she had found me.
I still have most of the symptoms I’ve ever had, I’m getting the help I was refusing to get back then. I didn’t want to be saved, I was medicating ok, but lying my ways out of my appointments. The trauma is still there, I just know how to cope with it a little better, and I know how to beat it and how I’ll eventually me too find my peace of mind. Mental illnesses won’t control my life anymore. Today, no matter the struggle I experience, I do believe that life is the greatest gift we’ve ever been given. If you’re suffering mentally, don’t sit with your suffering like I did, go seek the help you need. There are so many more resources than there was a few years ago. Recovery happens, and let me be your living proof.
Update:
It is now April 22 2022.
As we approach our next direction with the Ascending Sacred Spiral apprenticeship happening on the weekend of April 29,30,31, I can already feel the shifts in energies. Another layer of trauma getting unpeeled.
I trust and surrender.
Time flies and I don’t have yet the appropriate words to describe the shifts in myself. Although they are visible, there is nothing like being on the receptive ends of it.
I’ve gone back home to myself,
to my body,
retrieving my spirit,
my essence.